Thursday, December 9, 2010

I got bored, Tumblr 'Day questions' are entertaining

Day 1 - What do you think about dreams? I love the idea of dreams, it fascinates me. I would love to study the brain, and what happens when we sleep and dream. Every dream that I remember, I search up key words of the main plot in a dream dictionary to try and figure out whether it relates to my waking life. Most of the time, it has a lot to do with how I am feeling in my life, which is really interesting.

Day 2 - How well do you do around blood? Does it make you squirmy?
I don’t really mind blood. I don’t like watching gory movies where people are cut to bits, but I’m not fussed if I have a bloody nose and it explodes everywhere.

Day 3 - What are some things that can almost always make your day better? Do you find yourself having a lot of bad days, or mostly good days?
A main factor that contributes to my mood are the people I am around. If I am surrounded by people who make me happy, or are generally in a happy mood, I tend to lighten up as well. Most days I wake up in a good, almost great mood. The only time it deteriorates is when I am somewhere I do not wish to be, or if someone is rude to me. I try to look on the bright side of everything, I enjoy being happy.

Day 4 - What bugs you most about your generation? What do you like most about your generation?
The thing that bugs me most about my generation is the rebellion, and the label that I have gained because of the generation I was born into. It’s not so much the generation that I dislike, it’s the judgemental society that was born before us. So much is expected of us, yet we are regarded so worthless at times.

Day 5 - What are you attracted to most in the same/opposite sex? Are you more for looks, or personality?
Definitely personality. No one can say that physical attraction doesn’t matter, because we all know there are certain things that can be turn-offs (e.g. bad acne due to generics or poor care or general poor care for face/body). When I say that looks count, I don’t mean that I’m going to dislike someone if they are ‘strange looking’ or not the ‘perfect person’, when it comes to looks I usually notice personal care and hygiene, not ‘faults’ that some are born with. We are all beautiful in our own unique way, we truly are.

Day 6 - What are you least attracted to in the same/opposite sex?
I really don’t like rat’s tails or white foundation lips.

Day 7 - Are you into the green movement? Should being environmentally friendly something everyone should be a part of?
Heck yes! I think that we have become a very selfish society, constantly using more power and resources than we need to survive. I constantly turn off power switches, lights, taps etc. I think that there are too many un-necessary products in the stores, and it is just creating more rubbish. My number one pet peeve is littering, the amount of times I have had to pick up my friends rubbish papers etc just because they are simply too lazy to place it in a bin is ridiculous.

Day 8 - What would be the hardest and most fearful thing you would ever have to face in your lifetime? Why does this scare you so much?
Losing my father will be the hardest thing I will have to face in the future. He is my rock, my everything, the person I turn to when I feel like I have no one. He has brought me up to be the best I can be, and I could never love anyone more than him. Multiple times I have had nightmares about him passing away, and I have woken up crying and had to text him to make sure he is okay. I have absolutely no idea what I will do.. I don’t even want to imagine it.

Day 9 – What’s your biggest piss off/pet peeve? Why?
Ignorance and disrespect, for obvious reasons. Some people just really get on my nerves when they don’t respect other people. It’s common courtesy and it shows a big hint of immaturity and ill personality.

Day 10 - How would you like your life to change over the next few years? How come?
In the next few years I will hopefully have a job and be earning a reasonable amount of money, and starting to save. I will also have my P’s and a car. I think in the next few years my independence will shoot through the roof, and I will love that feeling. I will be able to depend on myself for things, and slowly move away from my mother’s safety net. I will move into my dad’s house, finish school, study the things I love in University and hopefully feel a great sensation of freedom.
 
Day 11 – What’s the best thing about being your age? What’s the worst?
The best thing about being sixteen is that I am still in school, still learning, still growing, still moulding myself and still as young as I’ll ever be. The worst thing about being sixteen is that people judge me for simply being younger than eighteen. I am judged as immature and that I do not know what ‘it’s like’ (referring to many situations). Some people write me off even before talking to me just because I am ‘underage’. That, to me, is the most ridiculous and immature assumption I have ever heard in my life.

Day 12 - Honestly now, if you could change three things about you (looks, personality, etc.) , what would they be and why?
If I could change my looks: This might sound pompous, but I would not change my looks. Sure, I might get rid of my acne or something, but I am already doing that by cleansing my face. I could wish for longer hair but, it’s growing. No one should want to change their looks with the snap of their finger, or by an ‘if you could’ paragraph, if you want to change something, do it! (No I’m not promoting getting a fake tan, taking diet pills or getting plastic surgery. Nothing like that. Change in natural, healthy ways and within reason.)

If I could change my personality: Again, I wouldn’t. Maybe be slightly less conscious about my looks, but *read above*, I’m always healthily moving towards what I would like to look like.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

what I would like

If someone gets the question, what they would like in a relationship, I would think that most will start listing off personality traits that they would like their significant other to have. I've racked my brain so many times, and I've made lists of things that attract me to someone, but I can never really write them down, knowing that I want someone to be exactly like that.
Most of all I want someone different. Someone who doesn't meet my expectations, but excells them. Someone whom I would not expect to enjoy being with me, but surprise, they do. When people re-blog, or write long paragraphs about what 'cute guys' do, or what 'cute relationships' should be like, I never really want someone to be like that for me. I would really like to be that for someone else.

I want to make someone happy. I want them to call me first, when they're upset. To enjoy being around me all the time, and miss me when I'm not there. To want me, need me, and to think that I'm just what they need. I just want to make someone happy, because making other people smile, is great feeling.

moving out

I honestly cannot wait until I finish my schooling, and move into my dads house.
I have always felt like an outsider in this house, I don't fit in, and I really don't like spending more than 15 minutes here. All I do is sit upstairs on the computer, and it's depressing. When I leave to go out, she says she misses me, but I really don't understand. I never communicate with her, and if I do, I usually just get angry with her because our personalities just clash. I love my mother to death but it's killing me. She gives me too much. I don't need it.

This is the time where I wish I had someone whom I could just invite over and be with all the time. Or just go over their house. Someone who wants to be around me as much as I'd love to be around them.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Clocks

I’ve always seem to have a strange fixation with clocks. The fact that humans, somehow designed numbers and dates, from which derived a clock. Nothing special really, just a bunch of numbers that slowly count down the day from the beginning to the approximate end. I have always wondered what it would be like if we didn’t have watches or clocks, nothing that tells us were early, late, on time or still doing the same thing you were 10 minutes ago. Imagine if someone came to your house in the middle of the night, supposedly 1am, and changed every single clock, watch and device with a clock programmed into it in your house to 11pm. Imagine you had absolutely no idea that this had happened. What would be the consequence? There would of course be chaos, of being early, or late, or not knowing when to meet with someone because you are both living by different numbers. But then there would be freedom. No mental limitations. Nothing to tell you where to be and when, nothing to tell you that you are wasting ‘time’, how long you have been having fun, how long you have to have a good time. Imagine that.
When I am older, and I have my own house, I plan to have multiple simple round faced clocks on my wall, and around my house. Every single clock will be changed to a different time. Of course, one of them will be right, and I will know which one is correct, but all of those ‘incorrect’ clocks will remind me of how easily our lives can be manipulated, and how much we depend on materialistic ideas. In fact, our very world depends on it. Chaos and order have never been so easy to control.

Earthlings

http://www.earthlings.com/earthlings/video-full.php
I cannot even put into words how I feel right now. I have never felt so upset, or cried so much.
This is, for lack of a better word, inhumane, and unforgiveable.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

"edge"

I do not drink, I do not do drugs, I do not smoke cigarettes, I do not claim 'straight edge'

I had a conversation with my friend the other day about people who claim 'straight edge'. Who wear all the clothing, have X tattoo's and cover their internet pages with things that symbolise and clearly state that they are edge. I do not claim straight edge because I do not like the whole labelling system. I do not have a problem with people who do claim straight edge (why would I..) but I do have a problem with people who label themselves anything in general (e.g. vegetarian, vegan, straight edge, bi-sexual etc) and then look down upon people who are not in that categorical label they so gladly boast about. Being different, or being a part of something that is a positive life choice is, yes, something to be proud of, and you may spread your happiness and your beliefs all you like, but do not talk down to people who do not believe the same. You have, as everyone has, every right to have an opinion, a belief, and to do whatever the heck you want, as long as you respect other peoples beliefs!

I do not claim Straight Edge for the fact that I do not want to boast. I don't have a problem with people who drink, or do drugs, or smoke. Sure, I may not want to be around those people, either when they are doing those things, or just in general, but I feel that if I claim edge that people will assume I have an extreme dislike for the PEOPLE who do those things. This is not true! I dislike the substances, and the effects that they have on the people.

Also, I'm not saying that all (or many) people who claim edge, shove their beliefs down peoples throats or disrespect people who are not edge. That is not the case at all. So please, if I have offended you I am sorry. If something in the last few paragraphs has upset you, please let me know and we can either discuss it or I will change it.

I do not claim Straight Edge, but I don't do drugs/smoke/drink alcohol
I do not claim to be bi-sexual, but yes, I like girls
Don't shove labels down my throat, thanks

weather

I miss Winter.
I miss crawling into bed in next to nothing, muscles contracting, shivering uncontrollably, while I wrap my thick, heavy duna around me. Arranging my limbs to the fetal position as my goosebumps fade away. I miss walking outside in the am and smelling the fresh, dewey air, as it stings the inside of my nostrils. Breathing and watching it evaporate, molecule by molecule. Watching the rain fall on dry leaves, leaving them moist and polished. The smell of rain, rain in general.
I adore cold weather, and I miss it, a lot.

Friday: Breakfast:

I decided I'm going to start blogging again
I'll start off with my breakfast today

This morning started really horribly (but Lilli cheered me up), so I decided to make a delicious salad for breakfast to make me feel better, and it did haha.
6 Asparagus shoots
1 Glass of water
Half a tomato
Half a carrot
Chopped lettuce
12 Snowpeas
1 Mushroom
3 Small pieces of cheese

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

addiction

It would be nice if I hated sweet foods such as chocolate, as much as I hate potatoes and pasta.
I can very, VERY easily turn down even a spoonful of pasta, or a piece of bread, and don't even need to think twice when someone puts a potato on my plate. But when it comes to chocolate, I cannot help myself. I always feel so horrible afterwards, and it's extremely stupid because it's basically the only 'bad' food I will indulge in [that and peanut butter]. But once I start, I cannot force myself to stop.

I dislike the idea of most foods so much, yet it's all I can think about, and it's all I ever talk about...
Talk about confusing! I'm a walking contradiction.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

wake up

Last night, like most nights, I had a dream.
I cannot remember all of it, but I can remember one part:
I was standing on the scales weighing myself, and it said I was 37kg... the last time I weighed myself [in real life], I was 65kg. In my dream I looked in the mirror and I still looked the same [i.e. I still hated my body, and still picked and prodded myself]...
Am I so obsessed with my weight that it's now being portrayed into my dreams and thoughts even when I am not awake? I don't have an eating disorder, I eat food, not that I always want to, but I do eat it.
I'm worried of what I'm becoming.
Holy Shit...

release

I'm scared.
I don't even want to talk about it on here in case someone whom I don't want to read it, reads it. And then they might think I'm loopy, or weird, and I don't want that. I havn't really talked to anyone about the things in my life lately, and it's not helping the situation at all. I need someone to talk to, but at the moment, I don't really have anyone who won't judge me or will just tell me exactly what I don't want to hear. Lets hope writing this helps me think about it. Hmm...
//

deaf children

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oq3FV_zdyy0&feature=channel
After watching this video, I am speechless, no pun intended.
I don't even know what to say about this video. I watched the whole thing twice over, in absolute awe from these children. To me, watching this short film, showed me how intelligent young people can be. I almost feel that deaf children have a different, possibly more sophisticated knowledge of certain things. I cannot justify my opinion with any smart facts because I have not experienced deafness.
I guess in the end I have complete respect and admiration for these children. I have always found it, not fascinating, because I do not like to say I would 'study' a certain 'type' of people... Inspirational may be the right word.
I'm not writing this very well.
I am literally speechless.
Complete admiration.

Friday, August 27, 2010

Today, turned out to be a good day

Today has been good so far.
Lately I have felt no urge to hang with people or need to be around people. And I fear I have accidentally pushed people away because of this, so I am currently in attempt of trying to notify them that I still love them dearly, I just need a bit of space at the moment.

I still havn't bought a new phone. My mum only just arrived home from her 2 week holiday to Italy, London and other places. She brought me home some krispy kremes which I reluctantly ate, and my favourite Harajuku perfume. I really have missed her, and I'm glad she's back, it all seems to be back in flow now she's home.

I have been potting around my room today, cleaning everything up as I love doing. I really do enjoy being neat and clean, clutter makes it hard to think and move around. I just vacuumed my carpet because I hadn't in a while, and the feeling [not just the physical feeling] gets better every time. I think I will adapt a new habit to vacuum my room every day, or every two days. In my usual routine, I clean my room every day, but cleaning my carpet was rare. This will change. I think it will be a lovely change to my room aura.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

dealing with compliments

How we respond to compliments is actually a very difficult process. If you do not genuinely feel as if you deserve the compliment, you will say thank you and assure them that they could do/are better, but the more compliments you receive, the more you realise that you really are what people say. From here on in, people swing one of two ways. They either start responding to compliments with ‘thank you’s’ and gratitude’s, silently giving themselves a pat on the back for their good effort, or they begin to attract more attention to themselves by re-stating the compliment to themselves instead of a thank you (or sometimes along with a thank you).


For example:
Jenny: “Wow Indie, you are so stunning! I love your makeup!”
Indie: “Thanks! I usually look better than this, but yeah my make up does look awesome”

When you receive a compliment, unless you are completely oblivious to how amazing you look/how talented you are/ whatever the compliment implies, you actually have to devise a statement that will thank the person complimenting you, but not enforce the idea that you are up yourself. You can agree with the compliment, but if you express that in the wrong context, you can come across as being an arrogant fool.

Monday, August 23, 2010

weather to a stone - verse

"The reasons that I live, the way that I live, are building up and they'll continue to grow
I will never run from where I stand even if it means I'm standing here alone
I've seen the best of 'em fall away, I've come to learn that even words written in stone can be eroded with time"

scream - verse

"Tired and beaten, voice withering away to nothing
I'm walking in the footsteps made by those who have been defeated
I've watched men and women made of steel get burned up as easily as dry leaves and left depleted
All of my heroes have been ruined or written out of history
I could be destined to fade away like so many before me
But as long as my heart keeps beating, I can't stop screaming
Silence, is violence
I'm bending, I'm breaking, I'm broken
I'm still alive"

Saturday, August 21, 2010

owl's

note* none of the following photos were taken by me, they were found on various websites and I do not know who captured them.

I love owls. They are such placid-looking creatures, and have such large, vigilant eyes. They seem constantly alert and awake, I think this is a good trait to have.

Year 12

I am so excited about stage 2!
I have chosen my subjects, I am doing English Studies, Health, Tourism, Art Design semester 1 and Art Visual semester 2. I have a feeling I am going to enjoy my lessons. I would also really like to do a TAFE course for food and hospitality, but I'm not sure whether I will be able to get into one yet.
I love having plans and thinking about the future.

Friday, August 20, 2010

It Prevails - Brothers to the flames

''I am the author of my life.
And I'm writing in pen, and I can't rub out my mistakes.
If I could start again in life, I would repeat all my mistakes.
They make us who we are in this world.

Making changes everyday, but it seems so empty,
I try so hard, but I am only a man.
How much longer can my brow damn these beads of sweat before they sting my eyes?
Like time has shown me, so many times before.
How much longer can my will last me throughout this lifetime?
I struggle to find who I am anymore.

I know now that who I am is better than who I used to be.
If this is all I am, then so be it, this is all I can be.

There are many things that aren't what they seem in this world,
Friendship is the best example of these.
I find myself questioning more and more every single day.
How much longer can we hold our brothers to these flames?
And the people who have meant so much to us?

I know now that who I am is better than who I used to be.
If this is all I am, then so be it, this is all I can be.''

former upset self

I'm sure most of you can relate to being upset and writing things either on Facebook or to people that you have regretted after wards. When you are angry or upset, you can say things that you either do not necessarily mean, or should not have mentioned. I have learnt that when I am upset, I tend to whinge a lot and most things that I say or write come across as extremely depressing or misleading. To fix this i.e. avoid embarrassment and soppy 'woe is me' statuses, I write things down in my note pad and read them over once I am not upset. I look back on them and think to myself, 'It really wasn't that bad. It wasn't that big of a deal'.

"What the fuck do people want from me. If I complain or ask for sympathy and help, apparently I am too whingy and annoying. If I'm content being alone and can handle things on my own and am self-sufficient they go for the whingy ones. Fuck. I'm not loving anything anymore. It all ends in fucking pain. What's that? I'm whinging?  Yeah I'm fucking whinging because I'm sick of  trying so hard that I end up being the person who tries too hard. So I back off, try less, go with the fucking flow, and I get thrown off the same boat of happiness and love that everyone else is riding on and end up alone. Not floating. Not trying. Alone.''

This is one of the recent notes that I saved for myself to read later. I spilled out how I felt at that exact moment onto a page, and then left it behind. I am so glad that I have the strength to pull myself out of those situations, those lonely moods where everyone seems against me and it feels like no-one wants to love me. Reading back on the last paragraph, I can agree and disagree with my former upset self. Yes, it is difficult to strike the balance between happy and sad, rolling and stopping, depending on people and depending on yourself, but it's not all that bad. Everyone has to deal with it, everyone. And if you think you're alone? Then you really need to take a look outside, because there are so many people that are going to be there for you no matter what.

Conclusion: I love my friends and family. I don't like being 'single', but I'm doing okay on my own. I'm content.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

music music music

If I'm sad, I listen to really loud music.
If I'm excited, I listen to really loud music.
If I'm worried, I listen to really loud music.
If I'm angry, I listen to really loud music.
Get it?

I'm not upset, but i'm not as happy as I was before.
Loud music? Yeah.
Currently: Whitechapel

excitement

It can be so hard to hold in excitement for things sometimes. I have found one of the worst possible outcomes of being over-excited, is the disappointment when it falls through. From now on I will try and hold in my excitement for everything, as the saying goes "Hope for the best but expect the worst". I guess it's saying to always keep on your toes, and never expect everything to go perfectly every time.

On another note, I am quite happy.
I just ate another cup cake, the last of the batch made in home ec on tuesday.
No more cup cakes for another 2 months.
Green tea time.

hoon drivers

http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=1388779851607&ref=mf

please watch this
I had to stop it at 1:50 because I couldn't handle it and I started crying. Some of these may have been pure accidents but some could have been avoided. If this doesn't urge you to drive carefully, then I don't know what will, i'm hoping another life lost won't be the extent of your lesson learnt.

diet's

I love being on a healthy diet, even though I sometimes binge on some not-so-healthy foods, I enjoy knowing that I don't put loads of crap into my system. I rarely ever eat fast foods, the only bad foods I eat are muffins and chocolate, which are so hard to say no to haha.

I usually have the same amount of porridge for breakfast every morning, but i'm thinking it's time for a change, not that i'm sick of porridge I just feel I should mix things up. I bought some natural yogurt and bran today, so that is option numero uno. My second thought was to make a smoothie from banana, tofu and soy milk.

I love change, and new ideas, this feels great.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

morning

I really love having a routine.
Every morning I wake up at 7am. I walk downstairs and make my porridge and green tea, then come back upstairs to read my horoscope for today. I walk to school every morning, and I enjoy it, except for when the wind is whipping my face at 420km/h and I have to hold onto my skirt for dear life. I usually have the same thing for lunch as well, rice, which is apparently bland but I love it.
I should probaly get going or else i'll be late, and we don't want that.
Have a lovely day.

om nom nom

So this week and last week was official 'cupcake week'.
It was extended to this week because of these babies below.
They were so delicious, and they also looked great.
If I get a muffin top, the irony will kill me, so will my diet.

click it

http://equallove.info/petition
and sign the petition. enough said.

something different

I have never 'blogged' in my life.
Neither have I followed someone's blog.
So this is different.
Something I never foresaw myself doing.
My current thought is whether anyone will read this or follow me.
Mind you, I wouldn’t mind blogging to myself.
I understand my feelings and thoughts better when I write about it.
I’ll try not to write ‘whiney’ blogs; gosh I really don’t like those.
I guess I just complained.
Stupid hypocritical comments.
Whinge, moan, grunt.
Blog post #1 complete.
I should say congratulations on conforming to yet another fad.
But I wont.
Congratu-not-lations.
I'm just like the rest of you.

Have a lovely day.