First, Friday

Do you have feelings for anyone?
I do not have feelings for anyone concerning a relationship, no.

Without saying names, what could you say about the last person you kissed?

You were a mistake, and I learned from it

Who was the last person you physically hit?
I probably accidentally hit someone

Do you think things will change in the next few months?
Everything always changes!

What song are you currently listening now?
Back Burner by August Burns Red

Is there someone that knows everything or almost everything about you? 
My Step-mummy and Dad know almost everything about me

What is your opinion on late night phone calls?
I don’t late night phone calls unless:

~ It’s someone I do not want to talk to (e.g. prank callers, telemarketers)

~ I’m sleeping

Have you cried in the last week?
Yes, I have

Something you really want right now?
To be able to scoop everything out of my stomach and be empty

Do you think anyone has feelings for you?
Most likely not

How many people can you trust with just about everything?
Not many, if any

Where is the one guy you want to see the most right now?
In Aldinga

The person you had the strongest feelings for dies, do you care?
No, because I’m a heartless bitch

Lol jks seriously what kind of question is this, of course I’d care

Ever had a boy best friend?
Yes, and I lost him, that’s okay though, he’s much happier now and that’s all that matters

You never know what you got until you lose it? True or false?
IMO: You don’t appreciate what you have as much as you should until you lose it

How’s your life lately? Right now?
Awesome.

Do you reply to all of your texts?
Yes, then I delete them

What is the last non-alcoholic beverage you had?
I had water
 
Do you think you’ve changed over the past year?
Yes, a lot. More to the point; grown

When is the next time you will see any of your siblings?
Fingers crossed my brother will be home tonight. He probably won’t be, though

Are you wasting your time on someone?
I waste time on everyone

Are you slowly drifting away from someone close?
I’m constantly drifting

Is it possible to kiss the last person you kissed again?
No, I wouldn’t want to

What colour shirt were you wearing?
A dark grey and light grey hoodie

Is there a person of the opposite sex that means a lot to you?
My Dad

Do you plan on moving within a year?
Yes.

I’m currently living with my mum and she’s moving into a new house during this year

Then at the end of the year I’m hopefully moving into my Dad’s new house

Would you go out in public looking like you do right now?
Of course. IDGAF, lol

Do you look people in the eye when you talk to them?
I try to keep as much eye contact as possible, unless I don’t feel like talking
 

Are you single and content, single and not content, crushing, or taken?
I am content
 

Do you check your texts right away when you receive them?
I used to be obsessed with replying straight away, but now I really don’t care. If it’s urgent, people will call.

You wake up, all your hair is gone, your first reaction?
I’d probably laugh, and then sit there rubbing my clean shaved head for 20 minutes or so. I really wouldn’t care

'No one stays at the top forever'

"I try to find myself in the shadows of my room,
but I was suffocated by vacant walls,
and solitude
Knee deep and losing sleep,
can't find yourself when you've lost everything
I'm hanging off of my own words"

'No one stays at the top forever'
by 'Title Fight'

O, when songs express the feelings
you cannot piece together on your own

No mirrors, no judgement

I am going to challenge myself.
Starting tomorrow, the 28th of February, I will not look at myself in any mirror or reflective surface for a week. All I ever do when I look in the mirror is pick, and prod at myself, and the little voice in my head tells me what I need to improve on. I shouldn't feel the need to improve, I should be happy with who I am, and what I look like.

If I try to improve myself because I want people to like me, because I want a potential lover to think I look beautiful, they should love me for who I am, and not who I have to attack myself in order to try to be. I'm wearing myself away with all these, expectations of myself. 'I shouldn't have eaten that, now look, my stomachs bigger' or 'I should have washed my face more in the past week, look at my skin, it's disgusting' or 'look at my hair, it's terrible, I don't have the long luscious hair that people like'.

Fuck it. Fuck it all.
No more mirrors, no more judgments.
Just me.

Lets see how this one goes.

I got bored, Tumblr 'Day questions' are entertaining

Day 1 - What do you think about dreams? I love the idea of dreams, it fascinates me. I would love to study the brain, and what happens when we sleep and dream. Every dream that I remember, I search up key words of the main plot in a dream dictionary to try and figure out whether it relates to my waking life. Most of the time, it has a lot to do with how I am feeling in my life, which is really interesting.

Day 2 - How well do you do around blood? Does it make you squirmy? I don’t really mind blood. I don’t like watching gory movies where people are cut to bits, but I’m not fussed if I have a bloody nose and it explodes everywhere.

Day 3 - What are some things that can almost always make your day better? Do you find yourself having a lot of bad days, or mostly good days? A main factor that contributes to my mood are the people I am around. If I am surrounded by people who make me happy, or are generally in a happy mood, I tend to lighten up as well. Most days I wake up in a good, almost great mood. The only time it deteriorates is when I am somewhere I do not wish to be, or if someone is rude to me. I try to look on the bright side of everything, I enjoy being happy.

Day 4 - What bugs you most about your generation? What do you like most about your generation? The thing that bugs me most about my generation is the rebellion, and the label that I have gained because of the generation I was born into. It’s not so much the generation that I dislike, it’s the judgemental society that was born before us. So much is expected of us, yet we are regarded so worthless at times.

Day 5 - What are you attracted to most in the same/opposite sex? Are you more for looks, or personality? Definitely personality. No one can say that physical attraction doesn’t matter, because we all know there are certain things that can be turn-offs (e.g. bad acne due to generics or poor care or general poor care for face/body). When I say that looks count, I don’t mean that I’m going to dislike someone if they are ‘strange looking’ or not the ‘perfect person’, when it comes to looks I usually notice personal care and hygiene, not ‘faults’ that some are born with. We are all beautiful in our own unique way, we truly are.

Day 6 - What are you least attracted to in the same/opposite sex? I really don’t like rat’s tails or white foundation lips.

Day 7 - Are you into the green movement? Should being environmentally friendly something everyone should be a part of? Heck yes! I think that we have become a very selfish society, constantly using more power and resources than we need to survive. I constantly turn off power switches, lights, taps etc. I think that there are too many un-necessary products in the stores, and it is just creating more rubbish. My number one pet peeve is littering, the amount of times I have had to pick up my friends rubbish papers etc just because they are simply too lazy to place it in a bin is ridiculous.

Day 8 - What would be the hardest and most fearful thing you would ever have to face in your lifetime? Why does this scare you so much? Losing my father will be the hardest thing I will have to face in the future. He is my rock, my everything, the person I turn to when I feel like I have no one. He has brought me up to be the best I can be, and I could never love anyone more than him. Multiple times I have had nightmares about him passing away, and I have woken up crying and had to text him to make sure he is okay. I have absolutely no idea what I will do.. I don’t even want to imagine it.

Day 9 – What’s your biggest piss off/pet peeve? Why? Ignorance and disrespect, for obvious reasons. Some people just really get on my nerves when they don’t respect other people. It’s common courtesy and it shows a big hint of immaturity and ill personality.

Day 10 - How would you like your life to change over the next few years? How come? In the next few years I will hopefully have a job and be earning a reasonable amount of money, and starting to save. I will also have my P’s and a car. I think in the next few years my independence will shoot through the roof, and I will love that feeling. I will be able to depend on myself for things, and slowly move away from my mother’s safety net. I will move into my dad’s house, finish school, study the things I love in University and hopefully feel a great sensation of freedom.
 
Day 11 – What’s the best thing about being your age? What’s the worst? The best thing about being sixteen is that I am still in school, still learning, still growing, still moulding myself and still as young as I’ll ever be. The worst thing about being sixteen is that people judge me for simply being younger than eighteen. I am judged as immature and that I do not know what ‘it’s like’ (referring to many situations). Some people write me off even before talking to me just because I am ‘underage’. That, to me, is the most ridiculous and immature assumption I have ever heard in my life.

Day 12 - Honestly now, if you could change three things about you (looks, personality, etc.) , what would they be and why? If I could change my looks: This might sound pompous, but I would not change my looks. Sure, I might get rid of my acne or something, but I am already doing that by cleansing my face. I could wish for longer hair but, it’s growing. No one should want to change their looks with the snap of their finger, or by an ‘if you could’ paragraph, if you want to change something, do it! (No I’m not promoting getting a fake tan, taking diet pills or getting plastic surgery. Nothing like that. Change in natural, healthy ways and within reason.)

If I could change my personality: Again, I wouldn’t. Maybe be slightly less conscious about my looks, but *read above*, I’m always healthily moving towards what I would like to look like.

what I would like

If someone gets the question, what they would like in a relationship, I would think that most will start listing off personality traits that they would like their significant other to have. I've racked my brain so many times, and I've made lists of things that attract me to someone, but I can never really write them down, knowing that I want someone to be exactly like that.
Most of all I want someone different. Someone who doesn't meet my expectations, but excells them. Someone whom I would not expect to enjoy being with me, but surprise, they do. When people re-blog, or write long paragraphs about what 'cute guys' do, or what 'cute relationships' should be like, I never really want someone to be like that for me. I would really like to be that for someone else.

I want to make someone happy. I want them to call me first, when they're upset. To enjoy being around me all the time, and miss me when I'm not there. To want me, need me, and to think that I'm just what they need. I just want to make someone happy, because making other people smile, is great feeling.

moving out

I honestly cannot wait until I finish my schooling, and move into my dads house.
I have always felt like an outsider in this house, I don't fit in, and I really don't like spending more than 15 minutes here. All I do is sit upstairs on the computer, and it's depressing. When I leave to go out, she says she misses me, but I really don't understand. I never communicate with her, and if I do, I usually just get angry with her because our personalities just clash. I love my mother to death but it's killing me. She gives me too much. I don't need it.

This is the time where I wish I had someone whom I could just invite over and be with all the time. Or just go over their house. Someone who wants to be around me as much as I'd love to be around them.

Clocks

I’ve always seem to have a strange fixation with clocks. The fact that humans, somehow designed numbers and dates, from which derived a clock. Nothing special really, just a bunch of numbers that slowly count down the day from the beginning to the approximate end. I have always wondered what it would be like if we didn’t have watches or clocks, nothing that tells us were early, late, on time or still doing the same thing you were 10 minutes ago. Imagine if someone came to your house in the middle of the night, supposedly 1am, and changed every single clock, watch and device with a clock programmed into it in your house to 11pm. Imagine you had absolutely no idea that this had happened. What would be the consequence? There would of course be chaos, of being early, or late, or not knowing when to meet with someone because you are both living by different numbers. But then there would be freedom. No mental limitations. Nothing to tell you where to be and when, nothing to tell you that you are wasting ‘time’, how long you have been having fun, how long you have to have a good time. Imagine that.

When I am older, and I have my own house, I plan to have multiple simple round faced clocks on my wall, and around my house. Every single clock will be changed to a different time. Of course, one of them will be right, and I will know which one is correct, but all of those ‘incorrect’ clocks will remind me of how easily our lives can be manipulated, and how much we depend on materialistic ideas. In fact, our very world depends on it. Chaos and order have never been so easy to control.

Earthlings

http://www.earthlings.com/earthlings/video-full.php
I cannot even put into words how I feel right now. I have never felt so upset, or cried so much.
This is, for lack of a better word, inhumane, and unforgiveable.

"edge"

I do not drink, I do not do drugs, I do not smoke cigarettes, I do not claim 'straight edge'

I had a conversation with my friend the other day about people who claim 'straight edge'. Who wear all the clothing, have X tattoo's and cover their internet pages with things that symbolise and clearly state that they are edge. I do not claim straight edge because I do not like the whole labelling system. I do not have a problem with people who do claim straight edge (why would I..) but I do have a problem with people who label themselves anything in general (e.g. vegetarian, vegan, straight edge, bi-sexual etc) and then look down upon people who are not in that categorical label they so gladly boast about. Being different, or being a part of something that is a positive life choice is, yes, something to be proud of, and you may spread your happiness and your beliefs all you like, but do not talk down to people who do not believe the same. You have, as everyone has, every right to have an opinion, a belief, and to do whatever the heck you want, as long as you respect other peoples beliefs!

I do not claim Straight Edge for the fact that I do not want to boast. I don't have a problem with people who drink, or do drugs, or smoke. Sure, I may not want to be around those people, either when they are doing those things, or just in general, but I feel that if I claim edge that people will assume I have an extreme dislike for the PEOPLE who do those things. This is not true! I dislike the substances, and the effects that they have on the people.

Also, I'm not saying that all (or many) people who claim edge, shove their beliefs down peoples throats or disrespect people who are not edge. That is not the case at all. So please, if I have offended you I am sorry. If something in the last few paragraphs has upset you, please let me know and we can either discuss it or I will change it.

I do not claim Straight Edge, but I don't do drugs/smoke/drink alcohol
I do not claim to be bi-sexual, but yes, I like girls
Don't shove labels down my throat, thanks

weather

I miss Winter.
I miss crawling into bed in next to nothing, muscles contracting, shivering uncontrollably, while I wrap my thick, heavy duna around me. Arranging my limbs to the fetal position as my goosebumps fade away. I miss walking outside in the am and smelling the fresh, dewey air, as it stings the inside of my nostrils. Breathing and watching it evaporate, molecule by molecule. Watching the rain fall on dry leaves, leaving them moist and polished. The smell of rain, rain in general.
I adore cold weather, and I miss it, a lot.

Friday: Breakfast:

I decided I'm going to start blogging again
I'll start off with my breakfast today

This morning started really horribly (but Lilli cheered me up), so I decided to make a delicious salad for breakfast to make me feel better, and it did haha.

6 Asparagus shoots

1 Glass of water

Half a tomato

Half a carrot

Chopped lettuce

12 Snowpeas

1 Mushroom

3 Small pieces of cheese

addiction

It would be nice if I hated sweet foods such as chocolate, as much as I hate potatoes and pasta.
I can very, VERY easily turn down even a spoonful of pasta, or a piece of bread, and don't even need to think twice when someone puts a potato on my plate. But when it comes to chocolate, I cannot help myself. I always feel so horrible afterwards, and it's extremely stupid because it's basically the only 'bad' food I will indulge in [that and peanut butter]. But once I start, I cannot force myself to stop.

I dislike the idea of most foods so much, yet it's all I can think about, and it's all I ever talk about...
Talk about confusing! I'm a walking contradiction.

wake up

Last night, like most nights, I had a dream.
I cannot remember all of it, but I can remember one part:
I was standing on the scales weighing myself, and it said I was 37kg... the last time I weighed myself [in real life], I was 65kg. In my dream I looked in the mirror and I still looked the same [i.e. I still hated my body, and still picked and prodded myself]...
Am I so obsessed with my weight that it's now being portrayed into my dreams and thoughts even when I am not awake? I don't have an eating disorder, I eat food, not that I always want to, but I do eat it.
I'm worried of what I'm becoming.
Holy Shit...

release

I'm scared.
I don't even want to talk about it on here in case someone whom I don't want to read it, reads it. And then they might think I'm loopy, or weird, and I don't want that. I havn't really talked to anyone about the things in my life lately, and it's not helping the situation at all. I need someone to talk to, but at the moment, I don't really have anyone who won't judge me or will just tell me exactly what I don't want to hear. Lets hope writing this helps me think about it. Hmm...
//

deaf children

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oq3FV_zdyy0&feature=channel
After watching this video, I am speechless, no pun intended.
I don't even know what to say about this video. I watched the whole thing twice over, in absolute awe from these children. To me, watching this short film, showed me how intelligent young people can be. I almost feel that deaf children have a different, possibly more sophisticated knowledge of certain things. I cannot justify my opinion with any smart facts because I have not experienced deafness.
I guess in the end I have complete respect and admiration for these children. I have always found it, not fascinating, because I do not like to say I would 'study' a certain 'type' of people... Inspirational may be the right word.
I'm not writing this very well.
I am literally speechless.
Complete admiration.

Today, turned out to be a good day

Today has been good so far.
Lately I have felt no urge to hang with people or need to be around people. And I fear I have accidentally pushed people away because of this, so I am currently in attempt of trying to notify them that I still love them dearly, I just need a bit of space at the moment.

I still havn't bought a new phone. My mum only just arrived home from her 2 week holiday to Italy, London and other places. She brought me home some krispy kremes which I reluctantly ate, and my favourite Harajuku perfume. I really have missed her, and I'm glad she's back, it all seems to be back in flow now she's home.

I have been potting around my room today, cleaning everything up as I love doing. I really do enjoy being neat and clean, clutter makes it hard to think and move around. I just vacuumed my carpet because I hadn't in a while, and the feeling [not just the physical feeling] gets better every time. I think I will adapt a new habit to vacuum my room every day, or every two days. In my usual routine, I clean my room every day, but cleaning my carpet was rare. This will change. I think it will be a lovely change to my room aura.

dealing with compliments

How we respond to compliments is actually a very difficult process. If you do not genuinely feel as if you deserve the compliment, you will say thank you and assure them that they could do/are better, but the more compliments you receive, the more you realise that you really are what people say. From here on in, people swing one of two ways. They either start responding to compliments with ‘thank you’s’ and gratitude’s, silently giving themselves a pat on the back for their good effort, or they begin to attract more attention to themselves by re-stating the compliment to themselves instead of a thank you (or sometimes along with a thank you).


For example:
Jenny: “Wow Indie, you are so stunning! I love your makeup!”
Indie: “Thanks! I usually look better than this, but yeah my make up does look awesome”

When you receive a compliment, unless you are completely oblivious to how amazing you look/how talented you are/ whatever the compliment implies, you actually have to devise a statement that will thank the person complimenting you, but not enforce the idea that you are up yourself. You can agree with the compliment, but if you express that in the wrong context, you can come across as being an arrogant fool.

weather to a stone - verse

"The reasons that I live, the way that I live, are building up and they'll continue to grow
I will never run from where I stand even if it means I'm standing here alone
I've seen the best of 'em fall away, I've come to learn that even words written in stone can be eroded with time"

scream - verse

"Tired and beaten, voice withering away to nothing
I'm walking in the footsteps made by those who have been defeated
I've watched men and women made of steel get burned up as easily as dry leaves and left depleted
All of my heroes have been ruined or written out of history
I could be destined to fade away like so many before me
But as long as my heart keeps beating, I can't stop screaming
Silence, is violence
I'm bending, I'm breaking, I'm broken
I'm still alive"

owl's

note* none of the following photos were taken by me, they were found on various websites and I do not know who captured them.

I love owls. They are such placid-looking creatures, and have such large, vigilant eyes. They seem constantly alert and awake, I think this is a good trait to have.